Little Clouds


What the Hell?: Video Game Movies

Well there is a lot to say here, I cannot explain how bad EVERY video game movie is, it wouldn’t be easy to adapt a movie out of some of the games that are movies. Games have over the top stories with horrible voice acting, it’s just the way games work, I feel like taking that silly dialogue and making it something taking itself way too seriously is a little crazy, it’s too hard! So I’m going to take a piece of your life to look at some of these movies hopefully it will kill a little bit of your childhood as it did mine.

Directed by Annabel Jankel and Rocky Morton in 1993

Directed by Annabel Jankel and Rocky Morton in 1993


Wow when I first saw this movie I thought it was brilliant, I was also six. Looking back now, what a terrible mess. I loved Bob Hoskins though and always thought he was great ever since “Who Framed Roger Rabbit” but this movie is just the worst possible thing that could happen to the gaming world, as far as I remember this is the first in a line of awful video game adapted movies. I could go on here about how bad this movie is but all you need to know is these few facts from it: Pre 9/11 destruction of the World Trade Center Towers, “Bob-Omb”, Dennis Hopper as King Koopa (and not Bowser), Princess Daisy but no Peach.

Moving on…

Directed by Steven E. de Souza in 1994

Directed by Steven E. de Souza in 1994


I loved this movie also as a kid it was awesome, but it never tricked me into thinking Jean Claud Van Damme was a good Guile. Terribly awful casting plagued this movie, I mean honestly, is there no shame in Hollywood? You can’t hire native american actors to play japanese or spanish characters and you can’t have Jean Claud Van Damme play an American, it doesn’t work out at all. I’m done with this movie it’s too dumb to even think about, ever.

Directed by Paul W.S. Anderson in 1995

Directed by Paul W.S. Anderson in 1995


Well this was it for me, this was my entire childhood, I loved this movie so much when I was a kid, my cousins and I used to always pretend we were the characters in the movie and I’d of course always end up Johnny Cage because of my name being Johnny. This movie for as many characters as they have is a total let down now, it’s boring, it doesn’t stand any test of time what so ever. How can you fuck up something that already has a story given to them, it’s a fighting tournament where death is pretty much your destiny if you lose the battle, really that’s all it had to be was a dumb action movie with substance not just all out fighting constantly then with the sequel annihilation just basically getting ready of every actor (except Liu Kang and Katana) although by the end of the first movie it is very clear that it’ll have a sequel, what the hell is that? Do you really make a movie thinking “oh we have a sequel planned but we need a new cast.” I really don’t get it and don’t care to goodbye.

Directed by Paul W.S. Anderson in 2002

Directed by Paul W.S. Anderson in 2002


When I heard this movie was coming out I was so excited I had it all planned out on when, where, and with who I’d be enjoying this movie with. At the time, it was good, I liked how it had some plot points of the game but also lead to another entirely different story that has now been adopted as a legit source of information in Umbrella Chronicles it helped that I was in love with Milla Jovovich knowing ahead of time that she was not actually a good actress but it didn’t matter, now the movie is just shit, I feel the series would be better off without these cysts being their just giving the series cancer. It’s really just too much when you hear someone (not naming the actor but will call him, dayday) named dayday running zombies over and screaming “Grand Theft Auto Motha’ Fucka”. Shit.

Directed by Christophe Gans in 2006

Directed by Christophe Gans in 2006


When this came out I had high hopes for it for some reason I thought it’d be good knowing the history of gaming movies, I wasn’t too disappointed I guess. It was a little ridiculous but really interesting to see all these characters come to life and the majority of them were actual puppeteers. People doing crazy odd ball shit is always freaky because you feel like the body doesn’t move that way. It was more gruesome than the actual game ever was (with the exception of The Room) it had a great storyline, because it stuck with the original just tweaked out. It’s stupid because the tweaks were odd and not at all needed so it was just weird and didn’t really need to happen. It could have been better, but is surely not the worst.

On other gaming movie adaptions I can’t say much. I’ve never taken the time to see Doom, Alone in the Dark, and Postal I can’t think of many others besides awful Bloodrayne which is basically a softcore porn but starring Billy Zane, Michael Madsen, and Kristanna Loken. Meatloaf also makes an appearance in that. I’ve also seen House of the Dead also by Uwe Boll or stuff like the Double Dragon movie that totally just destroys the series alone it’s stupid. I have nothing more to talk about these movies because they’ve just destroyed my childhood.

Johnny Ketchum

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2 Comments so far
Leave a comment

Didn’t even need to touch Uwe Boll.

Comment by ZPowers

Which I guess you mentioned there at the end.

Comment by ZPowers




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